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Who Else Wants to Critique My Copy? ya you, Ben, Ryan, Ray..

Compel your visitors to Take Action! What to say, how to say it, formatting and more... Join us here to discuss writing sales letters, general copywriting, and which words work the best!

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Who Else Wants to Critique My Copy? ya you, Ben, Ryan, Ray..

Postby Dr Beck » Sat Jun 07, 2008 10:42 pm

This is my second piece of copy. My first one is pulling very well, but it's in a very narrow niche with a small amount of traffic.

This one gets a lot more traffic, but is converting poorly (1.5%).

http://www.ultimateguidetoclothdiapers.com/index1.html
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Postby Bensettle » Sun Jun 08, 2008 11:02 am

Hey Dr. Beck,

:!: Disclaimer: I am NOT in this market. So take with a grain of salt.:!:

OK, let's start with the headline:

"Who Else Wants These Tips And Secrets About How To Avoid Stinky, Stained and Leaky Cloth Diapers?”

What about making it look and sound more like a helpful article than a sales letter?

Maybe:

"Advice To Mom's Who Are Sick And Tired Of Leaky Cloth Diapers"

IF that's the pain on their mind, then it should be pretty hard for them to resist reading further.

Then, when you start it out, get right to the point:

===============================

Dear Mom,

If you never want to have to deal with another stinky, stained and leaky cloth diaper again, then this will be the most exciting message you ever read.


Then launch into your story. Make it something most every other mom can relate to. Like this:

My name is Autumn Beck. I am a mom of 3 and, not long ago, I decided to switch to cloth diapers.

The reason I did this
(fill in the exactly same reasons other moms in the market choose cloth diapers).

However, like you probably learned, when I did this (fill in all the confusing issues, problems, etc with cloth diapers. Make it dramatic, and extreme as you can.)

Then one day, while (reading/listening to some authority) I learned a way to (solve the problems all the cloth diaper moms have).

Then segue into your product.

You might want to try testing something like that.

Ben
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Postby Dr Beck » Sun Jun 08, 2008 2:27 pm

thanks Ben. I'll write up a new version and run a split test.
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Postby RyanHealy » Tue Jun 10, 2008 12:02 pm

Price: Perhaps try $29 to see if that boosts conversions. Your current price of $37 is between normal psychological price thresholds.

I guess one of my questions is why people gravitate toward cloth diapers in the first place.

I've thought about it before... and my primary motivation for considering them was to help the environment.

It just kills me to think about how many diapers I've thrown away.

Is that the same motivation for other parents?

If so, perhaps you could call attention to that primary motivation in your headline.

For instance, if the primary motivation is saving money, then you could say...

"How You Can Use Cloth Diapers (without Unwanted Smells & Leaks), Slash Your Diaper Costs in Half ... and Still Make All the Other Moms Shake Their Heads in Amazement..."

I would think there's got to be an ego angle in here somewhere. A mom who does cloth diapering probably feels superior to other moms or wants her friends to respect her.

Just some thoughts...

Ryan
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Postby Dr Beck » Tue Jun 10, 2008 12:47 pm

Thanks Ryan.

I did put up a one time offer as a thank you page after the squeeze page. This is only seen by my PPC traffic. It is doing much better at a lower price of $20, pulling at 6.6% But I'm not sure if it's due to the reduction in price, or the perceived "one time offer" discount of 45% off the normal price.

I like that headline. I will test it.

Primary motivators for cloth diapering, according to my interviews:
1. environmental
2. financial
3. health concerns

The problem is that many of those that feel strongly about #2 or #3, are put off by environmental reasons. So I was trying to capture all three types in my copy, since the market isn't massively huge (approx 30k searches a month online).
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Postby Bensettle » Wed Jun 11, 2008 6:35 pm

The problem is that many of those that feel strongly about #2 or #3, are put off by environmental reasons. So I was trying to capture all three types in my copy, since the market isn't massively huge (approx 30k searches a month online).


Hey Dr. Beck,

This may be easier said than done... but could you write two different ads, on two different domains, each getting traffic from different sources?

That way you can target your audience(s) a lot better and nab as much of the overall market as possible.

I've done this with ads before, where I just custom fit the letters to fit certain market segments. And it usually works pretty well.

Ben
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Postby Dr Beck » Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:12 pm

Ben,

I could do that. How much time did you spend in doing this previous project?

I'm not sure this product is worth it, especially if we don't develop other products in this niche.
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Postby Bensettle » Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:11 am

Hey Dr. Beck,

I didn't spend much time at all. However, it was for a high ticket product and so one extra sale per week (or even month) was worth the effort.

In most cases, I just changed the headlines to flag each market segment down.

Ben
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Postby Dr Beck » Thu Jun 12, 2008 8:55 am

Oh. Changing the headlines would not be a problem, as I wrote about 50 for this product. I had thought you meant rewriting most of the copy.
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Postby Bensettle » Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:58 am

Hey Dr. Beck, how goes the testing?

Any interesting results?

Ben
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Postby Dr Beck » Fri Jul 11, 2008 1:10 pm

Hey Ben,

I just completed one test and the new headline dropped the conversion quite a bit. Setting up the next test.

Haven't done the double domain test, as I have been writing copy unrelated niche. Thanks to Terry Dean's testimonial, I just ordered your book, so maybe that will help me write great copy :) I h ad it on my wish list for awhile, but moved it up to the top after listening to Terry.
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Postby Bensettle » Fri Jul 18, 2008 7:40 pm

Wait a minute Dr. Beck... you mean testimonials actually work??? :D

I was just looking at your ad again and had a brain fart.

Could you call a few customers up (satisfied ones, of course) ask them what kind of problems they were having with their cloth diapers before and how much easier their lives are now after using the information in your guide?

Then put the recordings of those calls in a sidebar or somewhere on the page where people could listen?

Ben
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Postby KansasDragon » Fri Jul 18, 2008 7:50 pm

I'm not a copywriter, but one question that popped into my mind while reading your copy.

Why did it take 6 pages down before I saw the first offer to buy?

That's a long ways down. But maybe that works best.
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Postby Dr Beck » Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:29 pm

ben, got the book today. Looking forward to reading it.

Working on testing an article look to the sales letter and a different headline. Once you have moved on, and are working on other, more important copy jobs, how do you find time to go back and still test your old ones?

Kansasdragon,

You're right about the order link, but not sure in this market I would want an order link that high up. Anyone else have comments on this?
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Postby Bensettle » Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:00 pm

Working on testing an article look to the sales letter and a different headline. Once you have moved on, and are working on other, more important copy jobs, how do you find time to go back and still test your old ones?


So few of my clients test anything (except one), so it has not been an issue. However, as I launch my own stuff I suspect that'll change.

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